Letter From Bigfoot to Humans

Dear hunters, researchers, weekend campers, and television producers;

This is a letter from the target of your obsession, Sasquatch. Not "Squatch;" Sas-quatch!

Please let me enlighten you a bit about my kind and the many misconceptions floating around the world of conjecture and rumor:

1. I am not 500 pounds. I might be closer to it in the salmon season, but in general, I run about 420-450.

2. I am not an ape. I do not beat my chest. I do not sway and swing my long arms. I do not ride on my knuckles. Don't listen to Charlton Heston, I am not a damn dirty ape!



3. The Patterson-Gimlin "Patty," creature? I do not claim any relation, but given that she was filmed back in 1967, I wouldn't mind hearing from her daughter, especially if she has similarly bodacious jugs.

4. The wood knocking theory? (sorry, had to take a moment to wipe my tears of laughter) I'm just messing with you. It's so easy to baffle and confuse humans.

5. The trap cameras? I-see-you! Hanging shiny CDs and windchimes, ape stink and other such ridiculousness is not going to attract me. You want me to come near your cameras? Leave an Arby's beef and cheddar and don't chintz. I want precisely 5 packets of Arby-Q sauce. Nothing less will do if you want a photo!

6. I do not climb trees. Would you take a 420-pound human and have him shimmy up a tree? Do you know a tree that holds him? I have my dignity. I do not race up a tree to hide nor would I let my babies sleep in a tree. What kind of parent do you think I am?

7. I do readily admit that my feet are big and I'll let you come to your own conclusions about that....

8. Now, these teams on TV who think they know what I am and how I work, they are grossly misinformed. Those calls you scream into the woods? Let me translate that, you're screaming "I eat bear shit." Now, if that's true, I can hook you up with some good stuff, but otherwise you might be more circumspect of what you're announcing to the Sasquatch population.

Oh, and if you think you'll capture and train me, just remember this--I'll make your lives miserable--